Ask A Soothsayer

"We've Moved"

2009-07-01T12:19:00.001-05:00

The move has been successful!! Don't hesitate to visit: A Soothsayer

Let's Go for a Ride!

2009-06-30T15:09:00.001-05:00

Dear Readers,
Within the next few days this advice site will have a new home at A Soothsayer.com
I'll see you there.
~A Soothsayer

Mother Doesn't Want to Hug After Working Out

2009-06-18T15:52:00.003-05:00

Dear Soothsayer,
My husband saw your site and wanted me to email you. He and I have a 7-year old daughter, “Isabella.” We are a close family. I go to the gym after work and don’t shower until I arrive home (I hate public showers). Whenever I walk in the door Isabella runs up and wants a hug, I always catch her before and tell her to wait until after I shower. After I work up a sweat gardening or doing lawn work, it’s the same scenario. I don’t want to hug Isabella or my husband until I am clean, it’s just gross. But I always hug her after I’ve showered.

My husband says I am hurting Isabella’s feelings by rejecting her, but I am simply trying to keep my sweat off her. What do you think?

Needs a Shower First (Miami, Florida).

Dear Soothsayer,
My wife just wrote you an email, but before you responded I wanted to add a little. When “Jackie” comes home from work Isabella is so excited. She giggles and smiles widely and sprints with her arms open wide to greet her mom. When Jackie takes Isabella’s wrists and turns her around back to her toys she doesn’t see the look that has come across her face. Her grin has completely disappeared and her eyes are dull and sad, the hug she gives/gets after the shower is not the emotional greeting she wanted and it hurts me to see her rejected as she is. Mother and daughter do have a loving relationship other than the greeting hugs.

Thank you for taking the time to respond.
Husband to Needs a Shower First

Dear Needs a Shower First,
In my opinion there is nothing better than the joy and greeting a child gives you when you have been missed. Yes, you are rejecting your child. She does not care if you are sweaty; she has just missed her mom. You are also missing out on one of the most important and simple pleasures of being a mother. Remember that one day, very soon, she will grow out of this phase and not greet you with so much youthful enthusiasm, enjoy it!

As I see it, you have three options:
1. Buy some flip flops, pack a bag, and shower at the gym. Then, hug your little girl tight and listen to her giggles.

2. Come home sweaty, hug your little girl tight, listen to her giggles, take a shower, and then if you’re grossed out move her bath routine to after your hug routine. Or,

3. Continue to reject your little girl’s greetings and watch her sadness continue to deepen.

For the three of you, I certainly hope you pick option #1 or #2, you’ll all be much happier.
~A Soothsayer

The Search for a Significant Other Continues...

2009-06-13T22:49:00.003-05:00

Dear Soothsayer,
Is there EVER a Significant Other for me?
Thanks,
SO-less

Dear SO-less,
Yes, definitely! You haven’t given me much information, but I can offer some general advice for meeting people.

1. Don’t look. Concentrate on what you do have in your life, go out with friends, and be happy and confident, that’s what attracts others to you. When someone projects that they are desperate for a relationship, it sends red flags to both men and women.

2. Expand your circle. If you haven’t met anyone in whom you’re interested in your current circle of friends or activities, expand. Join a group such as a book club or another social club of your interest. Take a class such as photography, writing, golf, dance, etc. This way you will meet new people who have at least one similar interest as you.

3. Volunteer. If you are interested in an organization or a cause, volunteer your time. They are always looking for volunteers and it’s a great way to meet people while supporting something you care about.

4. Brave the web. Many people are still wary about meeting people online. Yet others have found it to be a great dating tool. If it’s something in which you may be interested, give it a try, but as in the “real” world, take it slow and be cautious.

Good luck and please let me know how the journey goes.

~A Soothsayer

Internet Safety for Children

2009-06-10T12:52:00.001-05:00

Dear Soothsayer,
First off, I enjoy reading your website and wish you would post daily as I like to read it on my lunch break. Also, I’ve noticed that you’ve had many young teenagers write in and I have to say I have some concern about this. I wonder, where are their parents when they are using the computer, there seems to be a growing number of pedophiles using the internet to lure children away from the protection of their home, where’s the supervision?

Thanks for your thoughts,
PC concerned

Dear PC,
Thank you for your appreciative comment. I would love to post a letter daily, but unfortunately I don’t get a constant stream of email, at least not yet. But, as soon as I do, I’ll definitely post daily.

As far as computer safety, I completely agree. As with all things, parents must teach their children the proper way to use a computer, what’s acceptable and what’s not, and then of course observe and discipline if needed. My top rules for parents when it comes to the internet and their child’s safety are:

1. Talk to your children. Be honest and tell them all of the positives and negatives of the internet. Explain what is acceptable and what is not. Explain what your expectations are of your child.

2. Discuss the dangers of talking to strangers (on the internet and in life) and thoroughly discuss the dangers of providing personal information on the web. Once it’s on it is always on!

3. Set rules and put them in writing. You can post the rules next to the computer and/or make it a contract between you and your child, don’t forget to mention the consequences if the rules are broken. These rules should include the amount of time spent on the computer, the specific time they are allowed on the computer, and what the permission is when they are at a friend’s house.

4. Use the parental controls on the computer and block out sites and key words you do not want your children viewing.

5. Keep the computer located in a central area of the house, someplace where you can observe what your child is doing.

6. Make sure the computer is accessible only with a password; make sure the children do not know the password.

7. Be interactive; use the computer with your child.

8. Be a parent; check the history and view the pages your child has viewed. If your child has broken the contract, carry through with the discipline; do not turn a blind eye.

9. Discuss your rules with the parent’s of your children’s friends.

For more information regarding this issue, cyberbullying, and other internet/technology issues, I highly suggest visiting Netsmartz.

~A Soothsayer

Woman Plays with Danger Picking up Hitchhikers

2009-06-04T13:25:00.002-05:00

Dear Soothsayer,
I am 28 years old and have been dating my boyfriend “Josh” for nearly three years. Within the past year I have started picking up hitchhikers. Josh hates that I do this. I do this whether he is with me or not. He’s told me how he feels many times, but now he says that if I don’t stop doing it, he’s calling it quits on our relationship.

I love Josh, but I feel that hitchhikers are lost and need guidance. I feel it is my Christian duty to help save them and lead them towards a better life. Josh doesn’t understand that I’m trying to help them, that I want to save their souls. I don’t understand why he won’t let me follow the calling I believe God has intended for me. I don’t want to lose Josh, but how can he ask me to turn my back on God? What should I do?

Here to Help in Maryland

Dear Here to Help,
You should listen to Josh. What you are doing is extremely dangerous. You should never pick up a hitchhiker. Josh is not asking you to turn your back on your “calling,” he is telling you that he cares about you and does not want to see you harmed. I don’t know how many you have picked up, but consider yourself lucky that nothing has happened to you.

When it comes to souls, only the owner of the soul can choose to change it. Also, remember that some souls cannot be changed and others do not want to change. You could be raped, beaten, kidnapped, tortured, or murdered; you are risking your life and your future. That being said, the desire to help others and to make the world a better place is a good desire; however, there are many other and much safer options you can choose to help people.

I’m sure your church offers opportunities to help others, ask how you can help. There are also organizations such as Habitat for Humanity, Boys and Girls Club, Big Brothers Big Sisters, and homeless shelters that are always looking for volunteers. Talk to Josh about your desire to help, look into organizations in your community and perhaps you and Josh can volunteer together. But definitely do not pick up anymore hitchhikers.

Stay Safe
~A Soothsayer

Teenager Sees Trouble Before it Starts

2009-06-02T10:37:00.003-05:00

Dear Soothsayer,
I am 14 and in my first real relationship. My boyfriend is 15 and we started dating around the end of the school year. About a week before school ended he started acting funny. We kinda live in a rural area and really only get to see each other at school. We both work our parent’s farms in the summer and will only get to see each other on occasion over the summer. He started getting really demanding. He would be annoyed and angry with me if I spent part of our lunch break talking to my best friend or catching up on homework. He’s started calling our house a lot, my dad is threatening to call his parents. Before school I would meet him in the cafeteria, but he started waiting outside for my bus and leading me to a place where it was just us. He’s started telling me how much he’s going to miss me, how much he loves me, how he doesn’t know what he’ll do since we’ll only see each other maybe once a week over the break and he gets red if the thought of us breaking up crosses his mind.

We aren’t even half way through with our first week of break and he’s called me at least 10 times a day and emails me all the time. I’m supposed to meet him this Friday for a movie, but I only get one night in town and I’d rather see some of my friends, but I know he’ll be hurt and I don’t want to upset him. I’m honestly getting a little scared. What should I do? I haven’t told anyone about this, how can I get him to relax?

Missing My Friends in Farm Town, USA

Dear Missing My Friends,
The first thing you should do is confide in your parents. If you find talking to them about this difficult, please print out your letter and my response and show it to them. Your boyfriend is displaying some red flags. Some of the warning signs of an abuser are: jealousy, quick involvement, and isolation. You can read more about this here and here. I can’t say it enough, talk to your parents, immediately.

By all means rejoin your friends. Though you didn’t mention it, I’m sure they are concerned with your sudden disappearance. Confide in them as well, they can be a great source of support; however, they do not replace your parents, so talk to them first.

Please write me again after you have spoken to your parents, I am concerned for your well being and happiness.

Good luck,
~A Soothsayer

Wanting to Lose Weight the "Easy" Way

2009-05-07T14:28:00.002-05:00

Dear Soothsayer,
I am 39 years old, 5’10 and 350 pounds. When I was younger I was always told I had a supermodel’s body. I was tall, thin, and toned and never had to do anything to get that way. I was always involved in some kind of activity like volleyball with my friends or bike riding, but I ate whatever and however much I wanted. Somewhere along the years “life” kicked in and I had more responsibilities and fewer chances to be active and “age” kicked in and I started to gain weight. I always chalked it up to some stressor in my life that would eventually pass and I’d get back to where I was, well, here I am now.

I’m fast approaching forty and though I don’t think I’ll ever be able to fit into my high school clothes again, I would like to be in shape. The thing is I’ve tried every diet on the planet and many don’t work, while some work for awhile but don’t last. Can you tell me an easy way to lose the weight? I would like to be down to size for my birthday party.

Thanks for your help,
Hoping to be Trim (Massachusetts)

Dear Hoping to be Trim,
Unfortunately, there is no “easy” way to lose weight. Diets do not work because they are merely quick fixes that meet a short-term goal: losing weight. If you want to lose weight and keep it off long term, then being healthy should be your ultimate goal. This is difficult because it is a lifestyle change involving eating healthy and consistently exercising.

The first step you should take is to schedule an appointment with your doctor. Discuss with him/her that you would like to be healthier and begin an exercise routine. They will then give you a physical and suggestions on the level of activity you should begin with. I would also suggest seeing a nutritionist. They will ask you about your current eating habits, health, and goals and teach you how to prepare healthy meals. They can also teach you how to eat healthy when eating out with friends. If you choose to join a gym, meet with a physical trainer, many gyms offer this free for a period of time for joining. A physical trainer can teach you how to properly use the machines, the proper form when lifting weights, and help create a cardio and lifting schedule to help you meet your goals. Losing weight and being healthy also involves building muscle.

If you do not want to or cannot join a gym, invest in some home exercise DVD’s and/or equipment. I would also suggest experimenting with classes like spinning, kick boxing, yoga, dance, etc. Finding activities you enjoy doing is key; if you have fun, you are more likely to stick with it. Having a workout partner is also extremely helpful, ask a friend to join you.

You can also work in some “mini” calorie burners to your everyday schedule. Why not park further away from you location (work, grocery store, etc) and walk? Take the stairs instead of the elevator. If you need to take a flight of stairs than the elevator the rest of the way, that’s okay, every little bit counts. Take a walk during your lunch break or put on some music and dance around while you clean the house, who said chores have to be dull? Plan outings with your friends, take walks, go for a bike ride (like when you were in high school), or toss a Frisbee around the park, whatever you enjoy.

I’m glad you are beginning to take the steps to a healthier lifestyle. Remember that while it will not always be easy, being healthy and fit will make you feel better both physically and mentally.

Best of luck,
~A Soothsayer

Prospective College Athlete Faces a Common Delima

2009-04-29T14:39:00.005-05:00

Dear Soothsayer,
I see on your profile that you were a collegiate athlete and played soccer like I do, I have a question. I am about to finish my junior year and am being recruited by a handful of schools. I’m not really being recruited by top D-I schools, but they are still D-1. The problem is that some of the coaches are really pressuring me to make a verbal commitment, some of them are doing so before I have even visited the campus. I had one coach threaten to pull my scholarship offer if I did not give her a decision by a certain deadline, what’s the best way to handle this situation?

Thanks!
Tryin’ to Kick It (Maine)

Dear Tryin’ to Kick It,
Thanks for writing in, I know exactly how you feel. In recent years there has been a massive push for coaches to obtain verbal commitments as early as possible (more in women’s soccer than men’s) as they try to cut-off other schools from recruiting the players in which they are interested. There are a lot of troubling issues with this trend, but the most important one is how it affects the student-athlete.

My advice to you is to not make a decision until you have found the “right” school and athletic program. This decision will affect the next 4 years (minimum) of your life, even if you decide to transfer or not play at all later on. Being a collegiate athlete is a great experience, but it’s not the only aspect involved in your decision. Definitely do not make a decision if you have not made all of your visits. When you take your visits ask as many questions you can to the coaches, the players, academics, professors, and administrators. You are there to interview them, it’s not only important that you like the team, the coaches, their style of play, and the coaching style, but you must also like the academic program and other university programs. I have friends and former teammates who committed to a university because they loved the coach, and then the coach ends up leaving for another program, it is important to make your decision based on the entire character of the school and athletic department.

If a coach gives you a deadline, explain to them that you have not completed your visits and would like to make a decision after your trips. If they still give you a deadline or threaten to remove a scholarship offer, realize that this is probably not the type of person you want to play for. Deciding on a university is not an easy decision and you need to know all the facts before you give your word or sign the dotted line. Try to enjoy the experience and realize it is your decision to make, not the coach’s.

Good Luck!
~ A Soothsayer
#16 (couldn’t resist the ol’ number signature)

Making the Best of Life

2009-04-22T14:50:00.002-05:00

Dear Soothsayer,
My girlfriend, “Ruth,” and I have been together for a little over six months. I’m in my late 70’s, have never married and have no children. Ruth is younger, but I am by no means Robbing the Cradle, she’s in her mid 60’s. I have spent my entire life as a workaholic, I have built a more than comfortable lifestyle and I really do not regret my decision to sacrifice other things for my work. But now I’d like to shift gears a little and spend whatever time I have left enjoying other aspects of life. I would like to marry Ruth, but it has only been six months and I don’t know how she or her children (she has 3 and has been a widow for twelve years) would react. I love this woman and enjoy being with her and her children, I don’t want them to feel as if I am trying to take the place of their father. What should I do?

Thank you for your advice,
Making Up for Lost Time in L.A.

Dear Making Up,
If marrying Ruth will make you happy, then by all means do it. The next step is up to you; how is your relationship with her children? Perhaps you can speak to them in private before speaking to or popping the question to Ruth. Have you mentioned this idea to Ruth? What impression did you get from her? I don’t think you’ll have to worry about her children thinking you want to replace their father, it has been many years since that loss and if you make their mother happy, they will support the decision.

Good luck. I wish you both many happy years together,
~A Soothsayer

A Tattoo for Graduation

2009-04-17T15:12:00.001-05:00

Dear Soothsayer,
I will be graduating from college in a few weeks and my friends and I have planned on celebrating by getting tattoos. We’ve been talking about it since junior year and while I’ve always wanted a tattoo and am excited about getting one, I still haven’t decided 100% of what I want or where I want to get it. We are already planning the weekend celebration and I don’t want to seem like I’m chickening out. I have some ideas, should I go with those and just enjoy the experience with my friends?

Thanks for your advice,
Wanna be Inked (New Jersey)

Dear Wanna be Inked,
Definitely do not go with an idea on which you are not completely settled. Tattoos can be beautiful and meaningful, but they are also permanent. Getting a tattoo just to “enjoy the experience” will lead to regrets later. Explain to your friends that you are unsure of what you want, but let them know that you’re excited to go with them and you want them to accompany you when you make your final decision. They’re your friends, I’m sure they will understand.

While you are at the tattoo parlor with your friends, talk to one of the artists about some of your ideas. Bring them some pictures, colors, fabrics, or drawings; if they are a talented tattoo artist, they will be able to help turn your ideas into a tangible image.

Congratulations and have fun!
~A Soothsayer

A Brother Turns to Cigarettes

2009-04-14T12:11:00.003-05:00

Dear Soothsayer,
When I went back home for Spring Break in March I found cigarettes in my baby brother’s (he’s 15) room. I was really shocked because since I can remember he and I have been trying to convince our mother to stop smoking. I thought perhaps the cigarettes were hers and he swiped them to keep them away. (We used to get in trouble all the time for throwing her cigarettes away). I thought it was kinda funny that he was still running our scheme even though I was now away at college until I asked him about it later. He completely denied there were cigarettes in his room and he wouldn’t talk to me about it. We used to talk about everything and maybe it’s just because I don’t live at home anymore, but I don’t think we’re as close as before. Though I can’t imagine it, I think he is smoking and I definitely don’t want him to develop the problems my mom has. When I call him he avoids the conversation. I have finals in a few weeks and will be going home for the summer, I don’t want to push him away even more by hounding him, but it’s really bothering me. What should I do?

No Cigarettes for Baby Bro

Dear No Cigarettes,
I understand the strain this is putting you under and how hard it must be feeling as if your brother no longer turns to you. It sounds as if there is some underlying issue that is causing him to suddenly start a habit he loathed in the past. My suggestion is to keep talking to him, but don’t come from the cigarette angle. You two were close before you went to college and though it may not seem like it, you still are. The good news is that you have the summer to spend together. If you feel like there is a serious issue upsetting your brother, which could be if he is turning to cigarettes, don’t be afraid to discuss it with your parents or someone else you both trust.

I wish you both the best,
~A Soothsayer

Where Are You?

2009-04-09T11:38:00.002-05:00

Dear Soothsayer,

I enjoy your advice blog and like reading it, but you haven't posted anything in a week, what gives?

Avid Reader

Dear Avid Reader,

Thank you so much for reading, I'm glad to know there's someone reading and enjoying it. Unfortunately, I haven't received any email asking for advice recently, thus I have nothing. As soon as I am asked a question (which I hope is soon) I will post my response immediately. Until then, please check out my other blog: A Soothsayer

Thanks for reading; I hope you continue to do so,
~A Soothsayer

A Daughter and a Boyfriend

2009-04-02T14:22:00.001-05:00

Dear Soothsayer,
I am 28 years old and have a 7 year old daughter, Tess. I’ve always been a single mom and am working full time and taking online courses for a college degree. I’ve had a steady boyfriend for three years and we recently decided to move in together. Tess has always gotten along with Brad and I thought he was a good role model. But I’m worried now that we are living together and he is around much, much more than before. Brad is not abusive to Tess, but he ignores her. Before he would play tea party or read her a book, but now he sends her out of the room if she’s too distracting or he leaves when she’s in the middle of a story or asking him a question. I don’t know what the change is or what I should do. I love him and plan on marrying him, but now I’m not sure what to think. Please help.

Confused in Michigan

Dear Confused,
You say Brad is not abusive to Tess, but the hard truth is that he is. He may not physically harm her, but he is harming her mentally and emotionally. Tess is your priority and this is not a good living environment for her. If you truly feel that Brad is the person you want to spend your life with and that Brad is the man who would be a strong father figure for Tess, then you need to go to family therapy. Perhaps it’s just a situation that he’s not used to: suddenly being an “official” father to Tess. Or perhaps this is the real Brad, now that you are living with him.

You are Tess’ mother, her protector. That is your job. You are young and obviously strong and independent if you are holding a full time job, getting a college degree, and have been raising a daughter on your own. Do what is in Tess’ best interest.

I wish you and your daughter all the luck in the world,
~A Soothsayer

Pregnancy and Childless Friends

2009-03-30T13:54:00.003-05:00

Dear Soothsayer,
My husband and I recently found out that we are having a baby. We’re so excited we can’t believe it’s really happening, especially since we’ve only been trying to get pregnant for two months. The problem is that my friend and her husband have been trying for a little over two years now. She’s one of my closest friends, but I can’t bring myself to tell her, I don’t want to upset her. I know she wants a baby so much, I feel like I’m adding salt to her wounds. What should I do?

R.H. (Knoxville, TN).

Dear R.H.
Tell her. She’s your friend and though I’m sure it will be difficult for her on a personal level, as a friend, she should ultimately be happy for you. Don’t wait for her to find out from a secondary source; it would probably hurt her more that you didn’t tell her yourself.

Good luck and Congratulations.
~A Soothsayer

A Brother Lost to "Love"

2009-03-27T14:19:00.002-05:00

Dear Soothsayer,

My brother is 20 years old, in college, a good, responsible student and person. He’s always been focused on his academics, baseball, and other various hobbies. He recently started dating this girl “Sara.” At first she was lovely and the family truly enjoyed having her around, but as time has gone on Sara has shown her true, or at least a different side. She demands every moment of “Scott’s” time. His grades are suffering, he’s stopped playing IM baseball, and we rarely see him. When we call he always quickly gets off the phone because Sara’s calling on the other line or he’s picking her up or she’s arrived at his apartment. I miss my brother and I know my parents are also hurting. My parents feel that he’s old enough to make his own decisions, so they’ve elected to keep quiet, but I know it’s tearing them up inside. What should I do?

Brotherless Sister in Texas

Dear Brotherless,

While your brother is old enough to make his own decisions, he is also still your brother. It seems like you two once had a bonded relationship and while it may seem like that is gone, it really is not. Try to find time for you and your brother to be alone, perhaps a lunch together. If he can’t seem to find the time, surprise him after class and offer to take him for a bite to eat. If that doesn’t work, write him a letter and hand it to him in person. Be honest, discuss your observations and express your concerns. Remind him you and your parents love him, want the best for him, and miss him. Don’t expect things to change immediately, it’s going to take time for him to see the changes in himself. Good luck and don’t lose hope.

~A Soothsayer

Gift Giving Dilemma

2009-03-25T13:16:00.003-05:00

Dear Soothsayer,

Recently I was invited to a baby shower for a co-worker. We’ve worked together for quite awhile and we’re friendly at work, but don’t socialize outside of the office. This is her fourth baby shower; she is having a girl, her third. I have attended the last two baby showers (both girls) and I feel I have been pretty thoughtful in my gifts to her. This time, I admit, that I am a little taken aback to the invitation. Not only does it include the list of stores where she is registered, it also mentions having a “Hope Jar” at the shower for donations to help her and her husband raise their four children. (They both drive Lexus’s I don’t think they need a great deal of financial help).

I know that with two other girls she has more than she needs to provide for her new daughter and I don’t want to sound like a terrible person, but I find it distasteful to ask for a gift and for money. I’m just really not sure what to do.

Thanks for your help,
No Hope – Jar (Denver, Colorado)

Dear No Hope - Jar,

I can completely understand your frustration, considering the particular circumstances and today’s economy. However, before you write off your co-worker/friend, don’t forget that someone else usually plans the showers and she may not know about the gift and donation request. Though I do disagree with the double dipping, the great thing about an invitation is that you can decline it. Send in your regrets and wishes for a good gathering. If you feel like giving a small gift, go ahead. If you do not wish to give, don’t stress about that either.

Yours,
~A Soothsayer

Teenager Contemplates Adoption

2009-03-24T13:11:00.003-05:00

Dear Soothsayer,

Hi, I am 15 years old and I am pregnant. My ex boyfriend wants nothing to do with it because we are so young. I don’t know what to do, I already love my baby (it’s a boy!) and I need to know what to do ASAP....adoption or keep him. I think if I were to keep him once the father saw him he would man up. I am still in love with my ex boyfriend so this whole situation is out of control. PLEASE HELP

-juno

Dear Juno,

My first thought here is that you cannot use your son to win your ex back, that is not fair to your son. You can also not plan on your ex “manning up” when he sees him. It sounds like he has made his choice, and though it is painful, you have to accept his choice and make your own. That being said, if you choose to keep the baby, the father and his parents (since he is a minor) need to contribute financially; you will need to get the arrangements legally documented and binding.

As far as keeping your son or going through the adoption process, that is a decision only you can make. The most important thing you must know and keep at the front of any decision is that your life is no longer about you; your son is your ONLY priority, no exceptions. You must be able to think clearly and take everything into consideration; write it down, there’s a lot. Here are some questions you need to thoroughly think through and answer:

Can you provide a happy, stable, nurturing, supportive life for him now, five years, ten years, or eighteen years (minimum) from now? Do you have the emotional and financial support (parents, grandparents, etc.) you need to be a good, strong, teenage mother? What are your plans for your life with your son? Will you stay in high school? Go to college? Get a job? How will you make these things happen? How will you create yourself and build your life to provide the best for your son? Knowing that your ex is not now and probably won’t be supportive; do you still feel the same about your baby? Would you regret keeping him? (Your ex should play no part in how you answer any of these questions).

If you choose adoption, will you have an open or closed adoption? Do you want to be involved in the screening of potential families? Will he be able to grow-up in a more stable (financially & emotionally) environment with an adopted family? Would you want visitation? If you had visitation, would you be able to understand and live with the fact that you will not have a significant or any say in how he is raised? Would you regret giving him away?

Ultimately, the decision should be made based on what scenario will provide the most love, support, care, and opportunity for your son.

These are extremely hard questions to answer and decisions to make, especially for a teenager. I certainly hope you are able to turn to your parents or grandparents for emotional support, but I also strongly urge you to see a counselor or therapist.

I wish you and your son all the best, good luck.

~A Soothsayer

Thanks or No Thanks

2009-03-23T11:45:00.003-05:00

Dear Soothsayer,
This is awful and I know it is. My husband and I were married over two years ago and with the honeymoon, the new home together, getting used to living with a man, trying to get his dog and my cat to get along and a million other excuses, I never sent out thank you cards for our wedding gifts.

I've always been on the ball when it comes to things like thank-you cards, but somehow, I kept putting it off and now it's been almost three years. I feel terrible. So, my question is should I send them out now, almost three years late or not and hope that people have forgotten about the whole mess?

Thank you,
So Embarrassed!!!

Dear Embarrassed,

It's amazing how quickly time can go by. Definitely write them. Though it may be years since etiquette's deadline, I guarantee your friends and family will remember. Apologize for the delay, thank them for their gift, tell them how you've used it for the past three years, clear your conscience, and laugh.

~A Soothsayer

Love and Friendship

2009-03-19T10:00:00.001-05:00

Dear Soothsayer,
I'm a 14 year old girl and I'm going through some problems that I need some help with. There's this guy I really really like and I haven't felt this way before. I'm usually shy and everything, but I actually talk to him and we're friends but not too close. I don't know if he likes me as a friend or something more. He is a very shy guy. We do always have these awkward conversations but I think he likes this other girl. I'm friends with that girls friend and I didn't know and I told my friend. I don't know if she would tell that girl or not, but we have had recently been in an arguement. Before the arguement though, she told me that he thinks she's hot. I don't know if she was doing that just to hurt me, or she was telling the truth. We're not close friends, but this is kinda what started the argument. I don't think she's a real friend if she did tell me that just to hurt me. I am planning to ask the guy if he did say that my friend was hot, but it's really hard to talk about that with him. We haven't been talking too much lately since whenever I hear his voice or see his face, my heart sinks. How do I know if he really likes me? What should I do with my friend? And if he doesn't like me, how do I get over him?

Dear Sinking Heart,
The best way to know the truth is to go to the source. Even though you find it hard to speak to him about this, it's important you do. It's the only way to truly find out if he likes you more than your current friendship.
If he likes you as you want him to, that's wonderful. If you find out that his feelings do not match yours, though your heart will "sink" and your friendship may be awkward for awhile, in time everything will be okay. You'll get over him simply by continuing to hang out and having a good time with your friends.
As before, the best way to handle your argument with your friend is to talk to her; sometimes people say things they really don't mean when they are angry.
I wish you all the best,

~A Soothsayer

Parents on the Sideline

2009-03-18T15:45:00.001-05:00

Dear Soothsayer,
I am 15 years old and play basketball for my high school. I am not a starter, but do get some playing time. I never miss a practice and work very hard to play well. I do not want to play in college, but I love the game and being with my teammates.
The problem is my mom. When I do get on the court she makes such a scene (yelling at me, at the refs, at the other team, and even at my coach). It's so embarrassing! When she does this I can't concentrate on playing and I just want to hide. It's getting to the point where I don't even want to play anymore. I don't want to quit mid-season and I would really miss my friends, but not playing would be better than what I'm dealing with now. I love my mom and she's great, other than what she does at my games. I don't know what to do, please help.
Loves Riding the Bench (Topeka, KS)

Dear LRTB,
Unfortunately, your experience is pretty common in youth sports. Playing a sport and getting to experience the commitment, competition, wins, losses and memories with your teammates is an important part of life, especially as a teenager. It is obvious that you love playing and do not want to quit. However, I can also understand how your mom's behavior is ruining your joy.
For your own happiness, you need to talk to your mom; tell her how her behavior makes you feel. Be honest, even about your thoughts of quitting the team. Sometimes it is difficult to speak to someone, no matter how close you are. If you find it difficult to speak in person, write her a letter. She may not even realize how she is appearing to others and most importantly, how she is affecting you. Good luck!
~A Soothsayer